I'm Back ...

Can't believe that it has been so long since I have posted anything. My how time flies!! That is so true. So much has happened ... so much that I feel myself suddenly wanting to write about it.
About how sick my husband has been since October ...
About how my son recently got engaged ...
About how my self esteem is low ...
About how my life is changing and I don't want it to ...

Can I change it? No.
Do I want to change it? Yes and No

So now I will start writing and maybe I can make some sense of everything going on around me.

First: Back in October 2010, my husband was so sickly - I took him to the hospital one Sunday morning, I will always remember the date, October 10, and after a few days of testing, the doctors say that he has NASH - liver failure. My heart dropped. How can this be? How can someone who does not drink, have such a disease? How can someone who lives a good life - who loves God and his family get such a disease? And will my heart stop racing? Just how can this be? I am still asking myself these questions. And I pray - alot.

In November (the Tuesday before Thanksgiving), my husband was referred to a new Doctor - and when we drove up to keep our appointment, again my heart dropped, the building said Transplant Unit. Who was this doctor? We were almost afraid to look at each other, my heart stopped beating ... we spent two hours with this doctor, he was very informative, he was very scary, he was very abrupt. I start to sweat. Fear clutches my heart in a big way. The doctor said to be careful of germs - even a cold will put him in the hospital over night. Be real careful he says, he repeated it twice.

We were both shocked, angry, and emotional. We were so quiet on the way home, what was there to say? I think we both just needed some time to digest what he had to say. I felt that I needed to be alone. Totally alone to pray - for my husband and for me - is that crazy? I have to be strong, for both of us. It is going to be a long journey, and I know that I need Jesus to walk with us - now more than ever. Our journey has been made by many before us - but a scary journey for us is about to start. This doctor gave him a prescription that was $1449. - our part was $100.00 - wow that is a lot of money.

Our son was home for Thanksgiving, I was glad for the distraction. But I tried to talk to him about how sick his Dad was, and all I did was cry. I feel that I must be falling apart. My husband was so sick, I am afraid, I am almost sick. I just wanted to sit and cry - I didn't know what to say, I just felt I needed to be alone. And all these friends and family are here for the holiday and I'm not in the holiday mood. But ... I help with the cooking, decorations, and I smile, I smile again... and my heart is numb. To this day I have no idea what was said. I just sat and enjoyed the moment.

My diet is shot - all I want to do is eat - I have to sit on my hands to not eat - I know now that I have to be strong - and I have to be careful about our diet - not just for my health but for my husband's also. He has to be careful of salt and no process meat. Now our life has changed, our life has changed forever. And that is a long time.

I heard from my little sister during my husband's hospital stay. Haven't actually talked with her on the phone in a couple of years - it was good to hear from her. I wish we were closer - but something happened when my Mom died, I guess I said something wrong, I'm not sure, but grief has a way of making you crazy - I'm sure it was me, I am always saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. But whatever happened, I wish we would make peace - I love her, and I guess that is why it hurts so much. For awhile I cried about not hearing from her, she would not answer
my calls or my emails. Now she will answer my emails but this was the first call that I have had from her. Why is it that it takes a death, a crisis, for someone to care? Little sister and I were so close at one time, even took a cruise together, now it is as if I am not alive. It hurts, it hurts alot, but what can I do - how do you repair a broken relationship? It was as if I lost not only my Mom but a little sister also. My heart is still sore from that hurt, but it is broken now that my husband is so sick. Why does it always have to be about her?

We went back to the doctor in January - and the doctor explained a bit more about this liver problem. And the numbers are bad. His meld score is 13 - you are put on the transplant list at a score of 15. And my heart dropped ... again. I still asked the same questions, how can this be? But I also know that our faith is strong. We have to believe that ... and we do believe that. I am so thankful that we are both Christians, so thankful ...

We go back to the doctor in late May, I pray, I pray that God's will will be done. What I want does not matter anymore, God is big, God knows what the number will be before we even get to the appointment. But it is still scary, very scary stuff.